This is what I’ve learned…

  1.  The Big Bang Theory does not actually  explain the origin of the universe.
  2. The Eagles aren’t really singing, “Desperado, you’ve been outright offensive…”
  3. My hand gesture for “zero” is, apparently, universally known as the sign for “hand-job”.
  4. The Five Stages of Grief do not come in any particular order. I’ve started with ANGER, and might hang around here for a while.

I’m angry at my dad for not taking care of himself, and having this second, massive stroke.

I’m angry at him for dying.

I’m angry that he won’t be at my wedding next August, and that I’ll be sad, and thinking about how much I miss him on what is suppose to be the happiest day of my life.

I’m angry that my kind, loving, funny, generous father is dead, while so many selfish, hateful people are still alive.

But this is normal, right? It’s not like I’m having any sort of atypical reaction to this really fucked up thing that happened.

I’m downright furious!

And I’m not sorry I told a complete stranger that I wanted to punch him in the face, when he glibly proffered, “Smile, it can’t be that  bad.”  Because, yeah, it can be  that bad. And it is.

And I’m not sorry I punched the hood of the car that turned in front of me in the cross walk. Or sorry I called the driver a douche bag. To his face.

And if one more person tells me my father is “in a better place now” I might, actually, stab them in the face.

And I’m not sorry about that, either.

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7 thoughts on “This is what I’ve learned…

  1. I also didn’t go through the 5 stages in the prescribed manner.I don’t like to believe in those things, or I’d feel a real freak because when my mum died i never felt the 5, maybe only 2. Anger is a way to deal with pain,and I can tell from your post you have a load of it.understandably. Take care.

    • Yeah, grief is so individualized. And I’m learning there is nothing formulaic or rational about it. Sorry about your mum. And thanks for reading my rant…

      • you got that right! When my mum died I was numb and my partner could not understand my reaction..I just stared into space a lot.Not depressed and crying , just nothing. I felt like she was still living overseas kind of thing…I was angry at her for a long time.I realised I was angry that she was the cause of lots of stress when i was younger, and now I would not have the chance to address it.That pissed me the most.Also that she was not going to be there for things in future, when a mum or grandparent is needed.so I totally understand your need to rant.go for it! x

  2. I’m still mad at my mom for not taking care of herself and its been years. She had a heart attack at 50. A quadruple bypass at 69 and the debilitating stroke 4 days after that. She spent the last 9 years of her life in a nursing home – the brightest, friendliest, and randiest resident to wield a wheelchair.

    In between the heart attack and the bypass, she had periods of good intentions, but always ended up on the side of hedonism, without restraint. “I’m not going to want to eat out with you anymore if you don’t stop telling me what to order – I like what I like”, she admonished me after she ordered Eggs Benedict.

    Rationally, I know I couldn’t do anything to change her. Her grandchildren only remember her in that chair, in that institution. It still pisses me off.

  3. Sounds like your mom and my father had a lot in common. Despite the high blood pressure and the diabetes–and the first serious stroke that left him with right side weakness and horrible aphasia–he still ate whatever he wanted, which usually involved high fat and lots of salt. And his brother is the same way, despite having had two strokes, himself! It’s so frustrating.

    I miss him so much and I’m simultaneously sad and pissed he won’t be there to see me get married, or to even know his son-in-law. It’s not fair.

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