Ever since I found out my psychiatrist could write me a prescription for an Emotional Support Animal, I’ve been daydreaming about making this happen.
I lost my beloved Ruby Dog last year, and I’m not quite ready for another dog yet. We have two cats–Wu Tang and Oona–who are cute, ridiculous little creatures but they are naughty, naughty pets and would be terrible ESAs, especially while traveling. And getting a new, better behaved cat is out of the question because of Michael’s only house rule: The cats cannot outnumber the people.
I guess that’s reasonable.
My Uncle and Aunt live in a nearby state and raise alpacas.
Michael reminded me that we live in the city, and are not zoned for alpacas.
In which case, I suppose a miniature horse is also out of the question.
Stupid zoning laws.
Thanks to “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” I’ve figured it out.
(Don’t judge me, ya’ll.
They have Redneck Games with mud-pit belly flops! A baby with three thumbs (THREE THUMBS!!!). And maybe the best part about the show: a pink dress-wearing male teacup pig named “Glitzy” who may or may not be gay, according to the show’s six-year-old star, Honey Boo Boo Child.
How can I be expected to resist this?!)
I want a teacup pig. I need a teacup pig.
I emailed Michael about this.
ME: “I want us to adopt a teacup pig. I’m already in love with ‘Bubs’ and could probably be persuaded to love ‘Pink Peggy,’ too.
Don’t say NO. Just hear me out:
First point: it’s NOT a cat, so it won’t violate our house rule.
Second point: pigs are awesome. They are smart! And clean! And these pigs arrive litterbox trained! Plus, they look super cute in sweaters and tiny rainboots.
Third point: it could be my Emotional Support Animal and it could travel with me and maybe make me less assy to strangers when I’m feeling anxious in public.
And final point: I think it would be good for the cats. Their lives lack diversity. They need to experience different cultures; maybe learn a new language.
You’re going to say NO, aren’t you?“
It took him a few hours but he finally responded:
MICHAEL: “If we get a pig, you have to buy it a little saddle so the monkey can ride it around.”
ME: “The pig will only weigh about 7 pounds. We should consider getting a marmoset.”
MICHAEL: “It’s a little known fact that Northern Night Monkeys are practiced pig cavalrymen.”
ME: “This right here is reason 1,687 that I love you.”
Hmmm, would Hamlet or Sir Francis Bacon be a better name for my pig?
And what are we going to call the monkey?