So, what’s the distinction between feeling sorry for, and having compassion for…yourself?
This week has been a struggle. Depression is creeping in. I owe friends phone calls and emails. I’ve turned down social engagements. I’m trying not to isolate, but it’s hard.
For some reason, it’s been difficult to stick to my schedule this week, and I’ve screwed up my meds. Twice. One day, I missed my morning pills, entirely. The next day, I nearly took two doses of Lamictal. I caught myself before I did, but it was close. I threw my pill bottles across the room in frustration.
Michael suggested I buy a pill-box.
I told him, I do not want a fucking pill-box. I am not an old lady.
Telling me that his [82 year-old] father has a pill-box (and loves it!), didn’t help.
I am not a pill-box kinda gal.
I am young (sort of).
I am organized (sort of).
And I want to maintain some semblance of beguilement.
Pill boxes are not sexy.
Having to depend on eight different daily medications just to remain healthy and sane is not sexy.
I resent having to take my meds.
I resent other people for not having to take them.
And it pisses me off to no end that I have to keep them organized and maintain a schedule so that I don’t (metaphorically and literally) lose my shit.
But I know I have to do this.
So, I relented. And I am now the not-so-proud owner of my very own pill-box.
I get stuck in this loop of self-pity and then I feel like an asshole for it. I’m not generally one to throw myself pity parties.
But, I can’t seem to shake this mood.
I talked about it in therapy today.
Bunny told me that I need to:
- Acknowledge that yeah, is does suck.
- Remember that occasionally feeling sorry for myself is not a bad thing.
Bunny said, “you would have far more compassion for anyone else going through this.”
Eh. Maybe. Probably, I guess.
I don’t really care.
Maybe there is still an eensy part of me, deep down inside, that hasn’t fully accepted that this bipolar disorder is a chronic illness; that it won’t go away. Maybe if I resist it hard enough, life will go back to ‘normal’.
This new normal? Well, so far, I can’t say I’m impressed.